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Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
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10:24 am - We always follow the MAGIC...
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What tugs our hearts, riles our spirits, fills us with the tantalizing taste of the fruition of all of our glorious, beautiful, ecstatic being.
We follow the magic unless we're too afraid... many people are...
But no matter of practicality or social custom can stop us from chasing the magic. It can perhaps channel it for us into socially accepted norms, patterns of our psychology culturally inherited. Nevertheless the waves of change flow, slowly enough through the generations. Things do change. People change, cultures change, the world changes. We need not worry that it won't happen.
( Because it's long... )
current mood:  excited
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| Saturday, May 30th, 2009
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8:40 am
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A couple of nights ago I made my own intentionality about Maui... not only have I been proactive in contacting people and laying out my itinerary for the next few weeks or months, I've been 'thinking positive' so to speak. Those couple of nights ago I went to Maui in some sort of half-waking dream. I climbed down the trails that crisscrossed the cliffside near Barbara's property in Huelo, and sat on the rocks by the crashing surf. It was nighttime, and the moon must've been out, and whether it was or not it was certainly waxing. I was in touch with or communicating with a Dragon, I don't know who it was, I only remember it large and silvery, fluid and expanding all over the place with wings and tail and limbs and spines. A dancer of the elements. I sat there remembering the energy of the island, feeling its wild life force stirring at the base of my spine, and then, slowly at first but increasingly completely, I felt my attitude towards going back to Maui transforming dramatically. I became excited and empowered about it instead of feeling harangued and helpless. This, at least, was Maui's major challenge for me, and I realized that. No one gets in or out of Maui easy. She pushes you hard. But it's amazing what she can do with you.
Since then I've had to try to maintain hold on this wild life force that's been dancing inside of me with the waxing moon. It's not quite half full yet and all of this has begun when it was barely new--I remember how very dark, desolate, and bleak I felt. Then the tides shifted and I have this... oh, it's very beautiful. There is a certain sense to being aware of how one's own cycles turn with the lunar cycle. I am entering a new world and a new set of possibilities as I embrace what was so recently my worst terror--returning to Maui--and find that the terror was only of movement, change, wildness, and life. That's sort of what Maui is about. It's intense. But it's so alive. Once I stopped trying to clamp down on that aliveness, stopped trying to control it somehow, it made itself real and beautiful to me. That is a wonderful gift. Not that there won't be challenges. But they are half the fun. They make life rich and exciting and fruitful. Through the stoniest soils we strive to nourish ourselves with a stubbornness and resiliency that only life can boast of.
And I'm going to the Big Island in a month or so. ^.^
current mood: delighted
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| Sunday, May 24th, 2009
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9:22 am - On Financial Promiscuity
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I got a book from the library called 'The 4-Hour Workweek' and have been thinking a bit... the book details a certain way of life that involves a lot of principles of intent and reality creation, much like 'The Secret'. In this way it is inspiring, pointing to our ultimate creative potential and ability to live our lives the way we want to live, to do what excites us (the author says, in the book, that idleness is highly destructive, and the point is to have things to do that one wants to do and to organize one's life around that--not in creating more idle time).
But I find myself ambivalent about the book because of its pyramid-scheme-esque approach to money-making. I could have gone off and sold blue-green algae (a product I certainly have experienced working for me well and do believe in) and still could and made some money that way but in the end it comes down to my attitude towards products... I don't like them. Trading within a community I like, certainly, but on a mass corporate impersonal level I have to ask if this product is something I even need. Most things aren't. There are some products that are nowadays of course produced on that level and rarely ever locally that I do need--shoes, clothing, raincoats, tools. But these are 'few and far between' purchases... nothing on the level of 'I need this many dozens of people to be spending this amount of money per month on this product so I can make a big cash flow'. That's all puzzling to me. I am more content buying and selling within a close-knit community where the primary relationship is wanting to help and care for everyone's needs.
Then there is the issue of doing what excites me. Living in an entirely wholesome way does that, certainly. I want to work for my food--I mean I want to grow it or forage it from the land. Less and less am I liking to spend money in stores. It rubs me the wrong way. The other things that I am strong in, that I like to do, are writing and art and music and patience and spiritual presence and healing. That's about it. I like to work outdoors growing food, too. That is about the extent of what I feel myself really WANTING to do, where my true strengths are. I don't want a four-hour work week that involves pyramid scheme practices with a job or product that I would not spend money on myself... I'd rather have a twenty or thirty hour work-week doing creative work, healing work, farming work, that I LOVE. I would like to be a massage therapist. I would like to be a painter. I would like to be a healing musician. I would like to live in the jungle and take my food gratefully from the earth. I would like to be part of a community, part of a partnership, all working for the support and love and common good of one another.
So right now I'm torn between intending to travel to the South America jungle and intending to go to school for the other things I would like to do--massage therapy, healing musicianship etc... both of which are very very far away from manifesting at this point in my life. Still they are something to keep in mind. My reluctance to have any sort of involvement in the system is frustrated and thwarted by the REAL LACK of community and occupation outside of that system. I imagine it exists somewhere. But in some sense we are all in that world, that world marked by the beast, and we are all either succumbing to it or fighting it in some way. How do we live in a way that is enriching and meaningful to us and yet not cave into a system that is attempting to provide for all those same needs with an ulterior motive?
Sigh. Questions, questions, all with answers we must wait upon very painfully.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Monday, May 18th, 2009
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8:41 am - The Nature of Instincts
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As human beings we bear certain expectations of our environments, certain instinctual needs that are keyed to our ability to thrive. These include many things such as the desire to eat healthy food that feels best in our bodies, the desire to be accepted and involved with groups of other human beings, to be close to and part of life with people we have connections to and history with and love for, the desire to be in an optimal environment to provide for and care for ourselves in the best of health, the desire to do meaningful work, the desire to use our physical bodies, the desire to be our own person... lots of things.
So I find it strange and puzzling that my great need for fresh raw food near straight from its source (and not from the store where it is neither ripe nor fresh), and for clean and fresh water and a warm climate where my body can move and function and sweat and be refreshed and soak up nutrients from the sun and not be frozen and bundled, and also my need to be close to nature and not caught up in funny trips of spending money or being constantly pressured or even living in a box... that my great need and desire for all of these things seems to, situationally, be in conflict with my need to be around multiple people that I love, to have friends and a group that regularly spends time together and supports one another. Then there is my great need to explore my own distortions and desires and duality of mind in the realm of my inner world and my dreams and through this to unleash my creativity. If I keep a handle on my energy and my boundaries this need doesn't have to be in conflict with any of the others, although certain environments, and notably a lack of thought pollution towards a contrary consciousness, are certainly more conducive to dream work.
So I have a whole set of desires and now have to figure out how to manifest a situation for myself where all of them are met at least satisfactorily if not overwhelmingly. Add this to the struggle of attempting to do such in an oppressive system where most attempts at such are discouraged and thwarted, and the anger and depression that sometimes encroaches in the space of this reality. I find it very often exhausting. I read something in the preface of a book by Starhawk that reminded me so much of the experience I have been struggling with of late that I had no way to express or explain... in any sort of way that anyone wanted to listen to or understand what I was going through.
"For me, the journey began in a place of despair. ...I was haunted by visions of annihilation. Images of the city destroyed, of curling flesh, of the sudden flash in the sky--then nothing. I could not look at a friend, at my family, at children, without picturing them gone. Or worse, the long, slow deterioration of everything we love. Perhaps the value of the horror stories is that they bring despair to the surface, make us face it instead of feeling it as a drain on our lives so constant as to remain unnoticed."
This is the place my journey is in now... the uncertainty, the fervent need to somehow escape the oppression, to do something to create the consciousness I want to see everywhere, the love of life and health and creation and community, what we can create for each other with this. But to understand the deep importance of all of this is to be aware of what threatens it, and how sorely. It's frightening. It's very frightening. We have hard work to do and no time to diddle around in things that aren't important--because in the end, everything is important.
My back is healing phenomenally well and I've been able to go up and about many many places without my brace... it's time to say goodbye to my brace now, I think... although I will get a followup appointment back in Washington just to make sure. Just in not wearing it for the past couple of days the strength of my back has increased hugely and the pain dropped almost completely to zero even when I'm sitting up, up all day, or even doing things. I still bend my knees instead of my back but I should do that anyway--healthier body mechanics.
current mood: contemplative
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8:10 am - Sunshine and Strawberries
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After long dreary days in rainy cold Washington this past month or so I semi-reluctantly dragged myself back onto an airplane to fly to Los Angeles to visit my dear old friend JC (with hopes to hook up also with my sister and my other friend Yao Chi who both are in the LA area). I had hardly stepped off of the plane before I was practically bouncing off the walls wanting to get into the sun. JC picked me up at the airport, and she informed me it was cold, but I was unconvinced, oh, I was so so SO happy to be back in sun and warm air and have only to wear a dress and not layers of jackets and pants and socks. If I was meant to live in a cold climate, I would have been born with a fur coat.
We went to many farmer's markets and gorged on farm-fresh fruit, strawberries and CHERRIES and peaches and love (another luxury I don't get in Washington), we went to the beach and walked and sunned and played in the surf (I didn't realize how much I had missed that, although Santa Monica beaches are very brown compared to Maui beaches). Like a boggled jungle muffin I went nuts over the curio items at farmer's markets and flea markets such as reasonably priced banners with Dragons and dresses of a magical sort and of cuts and styles that I like, that look good on me, and that I hardly see anywhere. I also spent a significant portion of my savings as if I'd never see these things again (which I probably won't, barring any further trips to So Cal).
The most fun and adventuresome day was most likely yesterday, Sunday. JC and I met up with Yao Chi and Alynna's PG at Canter's Deli and my sister Alyssa and her boyfriend Dustin showed up too. It was a joyous reunion for me (though I had never met Dustin or Alynna before) and I was sad to see my sister go. Funny how broken-hearted I feel when one of my close family members leaves when we have been together such a short time. But, I haven't seen my sister in five years and we were never close. I think we shall be closer now. After this JC and I accompanied Yao Chi and Andrew to a flea market down the street where I spent some aforementioned money. I was torn at one point between a beautiful fairy-like but modest dress and a very wild warm style in rainbow rainbow rainbow that felt just right to me. I can't decide, I said to JC, and she said, let's ask them! But--I said, but she was already over there asking them. Purple or rainbow? What do you think the people with two of the most polychromatic characters around are going to say??? The situation was funny enough to me that I started sketching it as a cartoon that night...
Also last night we had a 5.0 earthquake near right on top of us. From what I understand of earthquakes, by the time you notice what is happening, it's over. This one was not so. By the time I noticed what was happening, and JC said it was an earthquake, my brain decided it was over, but it wasn't, it was getting worse, walls shaking and everything else, and I was getting a little O_O yikes. It was long! Just before JC was about to have us dive under the table it stopped. I was rather freaked out and said I was going straight back to Maui where such nonsense didn't occur. JC's cats were scared to death too. But boy it was fun and exciting...
Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes... I watched Pan's Labyrinth with JC. Twice, I loved it so much. I fell in love with that faun. And we had many delightful conversations about the philosophical implications of the film. Was it real or in her head? I claimed it was real--because, I said, there is a spiritual reality underlying physical reality all the time, and the nature of that spiritual reality is Heaven or it's Hell but which it is has little, if anything, to do with the environment, circumstances, or events occurring in physical reality. My own experience bears this out if I compare Spokane (where I was very much psychologically in hell, though nothing very extreme happened events-wise, I was deeply traumatized by Spokane and it took me a long time to get out of that space of anxiety and despair) with Maui (which, despite being intense and the events there quite out there and extreme, starting with a 56-year-old sorcerer seducing me in my desperation and culminating in the breaking of my back, with even more crazy things in between, traumatized me not at all and at the end of it all left me feeling refreshed, matured, stabilized, and happy). What then is more real to me? The events or peoples' interpretations of them, or my own experience of the feelings and psychological realities, or you may say the consciousness, that accompanied me through these events? One was like a fun if difficult learning experience from which I gained much fruit, and the other was like a torture session which only tore me down. There is quite a difference and so I said, even if you die, if your spiritual reality is of the 'Maui' kine, it's so worth it to you. If it's the Spokane kine nothing's worth it even if nothing happens! Events, though, they spark peoples' fears more than anyone's profession of what their experience of things actually is. I had people who ignored my cries for help in Spokane jump on the events of Maui with warnings and fear, when I felt awesome. When I feel awesome I pretty much go with it. It hasn't let me down yet--if you look at the consciousness space I was in with it.
The last thing is my curiosity of my dilemma now... which I might put in another entry since this is long already.
current mood:  happy
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| Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
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9:26 pm - The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
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I like to travel... it gives me a peace of mind and a sense of newness and clarity that I often don't have otherwise. I feel like the baby chicken or duck that has thrown all of its might into jabbing that first hole through the shell of its egg, and then, having broken to just that tiny speck of freedom and light, collapses in exhaustion for hours. Only for me the hours of the waning moon last days and weeks, as if I just lay there panting, seeing in a sort of haze what I have done and what, perhaps, I must do, but not seeming to have the strength or willpower or trust to struggle up again and DO it.
Thursday morning I am flying to Los Angeles to visit my sister and my good old friend JC and my other good old friend Yao Chi. I am excited.
Another part of me is curious about what to do about a whole range of topics--$20,000 in medical bills and getting the state to pay for them (they said they would, because "what happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii...you're in Washington now"), exactly when I will return to Maui and for how long, if Erik really just wants to move back to Bellingham with me (would he go by himself I wonder?), if he is really serious about wanting and is capable of working towards a creative supportive partnership like he says he is, if I want to move back to Bellingham for a little space of time in which my friends are all there--Lindsay, Ryan, Tamara, Justin, Josh, Jessa, the kids... many of them in the next few years may be moving out of town for graduate school, divinity school, jobs, and who knows what else. Wouldn't it be a sweet and cherished thing to live in the neighborhood with them again while we can all be together? I feel like it would be... even though I really want to be in tropical environs on a farm... and I have the issue of my possible need of medical support and physical therapy before I will be fully healed and able to go back to work on a farm ANYWAY... and when all my loved ones leave Bellingham I can go back to the magical land of Hawai'i or to South America or England or... well... I have lots of options. No ins on South America though.
Meanwhile I sit grumpily in my little egg knowing the Dance must continue and I must break open into a frightening new world of Abundance and Empowerment. The moon must wane and become new before it can reach its fullness. It is the same with all the rest of us...
PS. The title of this post is the title of a wonderful book I am reading by Sue Monk Kidd, I highly recommend it.
current mood: thoughtful
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| Sunday, May 10th, 2009
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9:10 am
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Sometimes the world looks this way...
Like dust and ash and disintegration, the cold and sickening gorge of life thrust unwilling upon a body that, disconnected from its life springs, feels only that dust of confusion as it struggles not to feel. How can you feel yourself or anything else as anything other than an awful grating on your being, when things look that way? Lost in a world where the fight is too hard, and harshly feeling one's inability to direct and discipline one's life force on one's own without guiding culture or tradition. Happy at least were the days when convent life or music or yoga or some other discipline gave me just the impetus I needed to feel like I was moving somewhere, that is, not stagnating. I have had very dark thoughts lately. Is anything of this anything new? My life was from the beginning set up to be a trial, a great burden. I can be content with nothing else, or the depression and meaninglessness overwhelms me. So I flee from society, from a simple life of community and home and job and hobbies and pleasures, because nothing in me can stomach it. heart it. mind it. take it seriously at all.
It's like all I want is to do throw myself into situations where it is all tear, rend, destroy! Destruction must come, to make way for the new... for creation... like twisting and turning and ripping your skin off with your own teeth and not collapsing to rest until you are spent, dead, and then you FEEL the sparks of new life beginning to sprout and bloom and grow...
So I seem to have this obsession with taking off towards whatever hits me in my gut, in my soul, wherever I feel an intense energy flow or connection. I go straight towards it with no hesitation--no morals, no rationality, just a creature drawn in its desperation to the LIFE that shows the twisted and painful path through the web of karma the soul is wrapped in.
Why, I cannot even choose music to listen to if I don't feel some energetic interest, have some experiential reaction to something I hear... and we live in a world dead of cues and lessons and connection and meaning, dead of guiding tradition and ritual and rites of passage, dead of any knowledge or understanding of the soul and its needs, dead of any ability to respond to its cries of anguish in any meaningful way.
DEAD. Twisted, entertained, stifled, muffled, oppressed, put into littler and littler boxes, more and more of our own self-sufficiency and free thinking taken away from us, plopped onto one savior or another, movie stars, presidents, the 'enemies' put even farther away so no one addresses the hidden places in their own soul.
In the end we all just seek out things of beauty to ourselves... so let us then do that.
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, April 27th, 2009
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5:28 pm - Our society needs less masculine metaphor and more feminine realism.
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| Saturday, April 25th, 2009
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11:48 am
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Dear ones, here is my life.
The depth of my love and loyalty and spiritual ardor to ascend, fly, make love, and expand is the cornerstone of my time here on earth in this lifetime. With you and within the blossoming of my own divine power my soul aches for beauty taken so far in this world, where forces untold and unnumbered fight against our stretching our wings to the glory of life.
So powerful is this determination of my soul, to not be a part of this slavery. We are offered few choices in our society--be a slave, or don't get fed. We chase the connections and entertainments that offer us a glimpse of the heavenly joy and ecstasy that ought to be ours by birthright and yet we have willingly given up to come here and do our work.
My work is so hard, but I have millennia before worked harder just to get here, to where I am now. Challenges innumerable I set for myself in this lifetime with an express purpose in mind. I hardly glimpse it now but I hold myself in some peace, as the lord Dragons I came here to interact with play their roles and perhaps move out of this space time into their union with me in eternity. I mustn't any longer let him play in my backyard and mess it up, on pain of squandering the quantum of energy which is mine and Mine alone, so that my work will not be done. Can I separate my eternal love for him enough that I can do the work I came here to do? To develop and be that fiery, ravishing beauty illuminating the world, that beauty that makes up all of our souls? So much of my physical being is reserved for music that in my neglect of it I sign away my own life in my own blood.
I must slay him dead and enter into the sweet sorrow of my longing for that which I gave up to come here. Here to this plagued and oppressed to dimension, to learn of it and free it a little bit.
current mood: melancholy
current music: Valley of a Thousand Rivers
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| Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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5:12 pm - Just a little update...
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I've been totally neglecting Livejournal ...
But today I was thinking of everyone, and thought I'd say hi. I am laying low so I have time to think on such things, some unconscious force within me finally having had enough of the chaos and constant stress and my need to keep control on everything in myself.
I stepped off the path one night over a 12-foot drop and fractured a vertebrae. That was about a month ago now, and I am grateful it was not worse and that I am healing so well and so fast, and grateful as well for all the support and help I received from my family and from Erik and Elam, and again all of it placing me in a wonderful spot for healing and reflecting and vowing again to change my life and get myself away from such relationships as are not good for me.
Perhaps I will start to write more later if I feel inspired, but my desires to reach out lately have been tentative at best. I do love you all.
And especially I want to say thank you to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) yaochi for having been such a good friend and support to me over the years, and an artistic inspiration too :D
current mood:  sleepy
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| Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
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5:52 pm - Heart of the Dragon
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I have a secret to share... and a litany of gratitude to everything that Is.
I am a winged being of light... do you know why I look dark sometimes? I don't cease to exist in the dark, that is why, and we live in very dark times. The power is still there.
I'm beginning to bring it back to the light, though. I am beginning to discover again my aliveness, my rhapsody in my body and my soul, and the immense power of Love in my soul, even as I move farther and farther away from the expectations of the establishment and even the expectations of friends and advisers alike... hell, I'm on Maui now, and the world is different here. Really. Look at the relative weakness of the Earth's magnetic field in the region of the North Pacific. Our bodies are electromagnetic batteries and our very cellular makeup and patterning is deeply intertwined with that of the Earth. Does one locale feel different than another? Is the southeastern US extremely slow to change? Is the west coast US quick to change? Is the desert powerful? Less thought pollution, perhaps, less bio-density, less busyness in the energetic field. Compare that to an intensely high bio-density in Hawai'i, as well as other factors mentioned, and begin to ponder why people around the world long to vacation in this polarity. Why healers and 'new age' folks flock here. Why I'm rooming in a fantastic community project owned by a crazy Dragon from the love generation of the 60s. Why Erik is FINALLY HEALING. I have my safe space now, I have my boundaries, I am not going to stand in the way of his change and growth, his final undoing of the manipulative, terrified patterns he learned in a prudish republican family...
So I am thankful for change... I am thankful for the amazing transformational power of Love... I am thankful for the chances we are all given.. I am thankful for the power of claiming my own power and setting my own boundaries. I am thankful for the minute bits of energy I store up daily... I am thankful for the currents of change crashing against the sand and rocks, a constant ebb and flow, moving with the moon and the tides, and I am thankful that these vibrations of the earth nourish my body and spirit so deeply. I am thankful for this beautiful, magical world I've moved into. Thankful for the friends I've known who helped me along the way, who brought me here in their own collective way.
I am thankful for the Love brimming out of my own heart that I am learning not to project but to own and then share, with two of the most fantastic (in my own subjective viewpoint) men I've had the privilege to know. Optimistic? Maybe! But Lord it feels good. I seem configured just exactly the correct way to deal with just this sort of person (highly idealistic, sensitive, creative, living in their own world often to the frustration and chagrin of those around them, but powerful enough in their way to keep that world alive and hopping, and an extreme weakness to practical detail)... and do not they, on their mountaintops of sometime superiority and oversensitivity, need Love as much as anyone else? They have Dragon souls deep enough to see mine and so there is a strange alliance between us... despite all human learning, complication, and puzzlements. I feel so often transcended beyond that...because it's not holding me up anymore. I have boundaries now, my needs met now, and a great teacher in an elder and experienced, if a volatile (which is educational in itself for me), form. Giving me the energy and the model to empower and nourish myself in my own space, free of possessiveness or manipulation by my own decree, that I can then take to continue my work unfettering Erik, and shine, shine, shine...
I need him, you see. We all need him. Empaths must be cultivated, not shunted and taught hideous uses of their power merely to cope. Erik did worse things to me than he did to anyone. But I've always seen his Soul, in his eyes when the spark of life or emotion came back into them, I fought to the blood-soaked ends of my last human energy, straight into hell, trying to find my Soul companion, damn it, where are you hiding him! How much reptilian blood and programming I had to wrestle with. I had to move him nearly 2500 miles to get him out of their clutches... now he is in mine--not mine--but partly through me... the Tyrant of the Universe, Great Spirit, the Source of all our being, the wellspring of Love itself...
And along the way I get to learn from and love someone similar, another ingenious pariah on his mountaintop guarding his treasure, content to heal humanity whilst above it... silly Aquarians... and be in a community of people so quirky and charming... remembering always where is my true source of Love, within.
... yes, Scorpio is still in rulership right now. 9_9
But this is my Love... directed by my Fire... and she will take you, too, on wings icy bright through the night. She has so, so, much to share.
Do you want her?
I do...
current mood: ecstatic
current music: Where Dragons Fly - Rhapsody
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
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10:23 pm - Tail of the Dragon
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I haven't been updating much, but it's only three days until National Novel Writing Month strikes again, so I'm finishing up art and a few other loose ends in life...
The sun went into Scorpio last Thursday and the new moon went into Scorpio today... Venus just left Scorpio a few days ago and Mars has been in Scorpio most of the month.
The EXCESS OF SCORPIO ENERGY is affecting my brain seriously. I'm staying up late, listening to symphonic metal, finishing my darkest art pieces, hanging out with Misht Soloi, entertaining strange reconciliatory and cosmic sexual fantasies, drawing silly little cartoons of my housemates, having secret trysts with my best friend after his exile, and indulging in white tantra with my landlord. GAH.
So what is your novel about this year? I'm not even sure yet, but that's okay. I'm hoping it won't be TOO much about the agenda for the New World Order, SBGA, February 18th, or anything too dark and shattering. It will probably be along the same theme I've always written novels around--the dynamic contrast of draconian and human interests; two species existing thus in the same DNA, the same planetary unfoldment, and in some cases, the same incarnation struggling to integrate. Sounds dark and shattering to me... Unfortunately I think all novels written in November have something of a Scorpio flavor, and I have a lot of flavors to mix this year, many of them essentially and succinctly taboo to the general population. Like unbridled empowerment. Like the last free Dragon of the world forging her remembered mate out of human limitation in the fires of Merciless Love, to create the next generation to heal this Project and bring it into Bliss... or... perhaps like Dragons on the planet in human form, feeding like wolves in sheep's clothing... how many turns can we take?
Also, since I've gotten quite substantially into this process of coming back into my body, with bodywork, yoga, breathing, and awareness and healing of all the physical issues I've ignored in all my years of being a total creative airhead... I'm finding that indulging in my past activities of spending hours on the computer coloring a picture, or writing, or EVEN playing the violin, puts creaks and cricks and aches and pains and stiffs in my body that I would not have noticed before... ow. Caring for the body takes on a whole new meaning.
It's all right. I have so much Love to share. It doesn't matter to me what trials I may have been through in the past. Things are changing now... I'm coming into my power... and I shall love always my crazy Aquarians on the cusp of Pisces. Gosh, I've got so many of them, I can't not say so. I've seen it to be true that nothing anyone, even myself, says or believes changes it. This is my destiny to the end and I think I'm pretty content with it...
Let's Rock this Dream!
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Rhapsody - Never Forgotten Heroes
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| Sunday, August 24th, 2008
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10:41 pm - The Road to Hana is a One-Way Street...
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Every Dragon needs some Dragon time... but you can't really ever go back. I went to Hana for the first time today with Elam, who I haven't seen very often these days because of demands too pressing from this place here and from Erik. The road to Hana is windy, long, and rather nauseating, requiring one to make an adventure of it (as well as frequent stops, and there are fruit stands, tourist traps, and attractions aplenty along the Hana Highway to accommodate this). Once we arrived, though, he took me to the cove of red sands beach.
The red sands cove in Hana is a power spot--the most potent I have ever encountered--which is why Elam wanted to take me there. We swam and crawled and dove and slept on the red and black cinder sand. In the friction of the churning deep I was remade again. I stood for a long time watching long-tailed white birds (now, after looking them up, I think they were tropicbirds) fly in circles around this enormous cove, which was formed by half of a cinder cone collapsing into the sea. Later when clouds came over they were joined by a flock of huge forktailed birds soaring over us (these were, I think now, frigatebirds). New powers and new creatures I've never before encountered... and, I felt Misht Soloi; I haven't felt her in a while. She is an image that joins me in my moments of heightened energy and of being deeply in touch with myself within my environment.
I first found her again partway to Hana when we stopped at an ice-cold waterfall pool to swim. I waffled on the rocks in the water, some deep part of me knowing I must dive in, and just do it. Something still held me back, even after watching Elam do it numerous times. He said to me, 'dive in... the dragoness is waiting to come out, I can feel her'. But before he said that I had been feeling her and even thinking that, in the deep part of me that knew I had to dive into the water. Knew that in doing so I would be plunging through one more previously barred gate to myself. Then something in me broke and I found myself diving, with hardly a sense of what was going on. I got water up my nose and I coughed and spluttered but swam myself back to the rocks nonetheless. I had lost another piece of my fear and she could get through again. My swimming is improving all the time...
I haven't been updating here much at all, but circumstances are complicated and pressing enough currently as to not allow me any energy to try and put any words to it. This will continue for the next two months and will be over by November...
I realized also that Maui reminds me a lot of Maine. It's the most rural place I've been since I left Maine, and like Maine: there are no four-way stop signs, no traffic jams, plenty of roadside stands, the economy is run on tourism and the locals don't care for that, you can't get around without a car, and there's miles of heavy forest that just isn't penetrated because it's so rural. My experience was similar even, growing up in Maine... food just grew everywhere on my property. We had apple cider pressing batches in the fall. We picked blueberries all summer and blackberries all fall. Maui is like the version of possibility for my new self, spreading my wings from my cocoon years in New York and northwest Washington, seeing again in new light the same world I knew in my childhood... it's a strange feeling but magical.
current mood: rejuvenated
current music: Tantric Wave - Raphael & Kutira
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
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2:14 pm - The Three Things That Count In Life
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I've been reading a book that I found here that is actually quite good... "The Secrets and Mysteries of Hawaii". It is not at all sappy, which is what one would expect, but rather profound, mythological, and deep. One section that made me stop and think was that of the author telling of one of the moments that brought him closer to what he was looking for.
A friend of his, Jack, a Gemini, who had traveled around the world three times and lived the philosophy of 'there is no problem so big you can't run away from it', came barreling into the author's curio shop saying that the Hawaiians had it right all along. He'd learned nothing better in all of his travels, his work, his drinking, his running.
There's three things that count in life, Jack hollered. If you have two of them, you can make it through. The first two are how you play the game and the third one is the blessing.
Life is short and runs away from you, he said...
And there are three things that count.
Something to do.
Something to look forward to.
And the third one, that blessing, if it ever happens...
Someone to share it with.
The author says of this... "For some reason, the encounter burned into my memory. There was still a complacency that came with such truths that I didn't like, but through the years the full magnitude of their meaning has become an important factor in my search for happiness. Somewhere between the competition of the rat race and the complacency of retirement must be the doorway I had been looking for. That 'something to do' and 'something to look forward to' had to have drive, purpose, and more definition, while I was waiting for the 'someone to share it all with'."
It's really true, and we tend to shove it down. We all want that blessing, even if we are independent-minded Geminis who despise the trials of human relationship. We still want someone we can have that connection with, that we can SHARE our lives and visions and connection with. In fact that is why we so foolishly pursue that blessing, forgetting it is not something that we 'do', and run ourselves into the ground by going about things in the wrong order. I am sure that everyone who read that third thing that counts felt one of two or perhaps three things... there is a sense of longing or loss or need... or, a sense of ecstasy because one feels that, at least in the now, one HAS someone to share it with. Or, a bitter feeling, or an angry one, or even one void of all feeling period, that such things are not important and do not matter, or cannot happen. We cannot have true connection like that, or it is not worth it, or we do not need it. I've felt that anger myself. That anger that something that seemed so simple and primal and good was snatched from me and from so many because of the idiocy and fear of the world and the people in it.
So I might as well start by admitting that, to me, one of the greatest blessings in life IS a shared and deep connection with someone that you can enjoy life with, do things with, think with, talk with, BE with. Yet perhaps it does not stop there. Perhaps that connection is possible even with our own Source, again. I would hope so...
Yet is not 'hope' a very sad and strange word when put next to 'joy'?
Why have we lost our connection? Why are our fears so great that they choke our connection with the people we love most? Why do we end up either running from our kindred souls, or destroying them, or being destroyed by them? There is such pain in this fearful denial of our Life Force. Our birthright, our connection with what IS. We have atrophied, branches cut off from the Vine.
What do I do with someone who is so obviously a deeply-joined kindred soul to me but has fallen and become Satan, out to destroy? Or is it I who have become Satan, a demonic creature like himself? My ecstasy has been tied tight and cut short, my creativity, the fountain of my divinity, dried up. Why is it only when I play music, when I write novels, when I make paintings or other art from some unknown place inside myself, that I feel alive, that I feel myself? What did he turn me into because of his fear? Into himself... choked off from life, from manifestation, from creative purpose. How many months has it been since I've played music oftener than once a week? How long as it been since I've done real art or a real novel or followed a real creative idea?
I've got to regain myself. And it's all I want. I even feel like I can do it, here, in Hawaii. I have to make myself willing to let go of my own fear, and be willing to give up everything. EVERYTHING. Even in the face of believing that in a perfect world I shouldn't have to. It's not a perfect world, see...
But it doesn't have to be, to be a wonderful place. It's all in your attitude... cliche, but nonetheless true. We are warriors. Or we can be. Perhaps the fastest way we can get there is to always love and nurture each other, as well as ourselves. What did Jesus say would be the one sign by which the world could tell His disciples?
That we love one another.
It is hard, when we're scared... when we want to be held like little children again because we feel so abandoned, and no one will hold us. It is hard even to admit to wanting to be held and protected, to be given a situation that can foster deep trust. How many of us missed it even when we were babies?
Now I'm getting into a multi-topic post so I'll stop here.
current mood: thoughtful
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| Monday, May 26th, 2008
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9:28 pm - A Little Note About Food
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The five days I've been here at my uncle's house, I've had no trouble at all eating raw and staying raw, even though in various ways I've been under a fair amount of distress. I think it has a lot to do with my uncle's eating habits.
I read a snippet in a book whilst browsing at a used bookstore the other day that said "Obesity is always caused by affluence of the mind." Eating when we're bored; eating when we've nothing better to do, even eating for entertainment. I thought of this in terms of the big soups and feasts that we always had at the Bellingham house... food was a social event, a high spiritual entertainment, full of comfort and good fuzzy feelings of abundance and fellowship. I realized I had not thought before of this being a thing that was, actually, rather 'affluent'. It's quite affluent to have a huge abundance of food of different kinds as well as the time and energy to prepare it for many people. It's quite affluent to be able to do this regularly. It's quite affluent to stuff oneself silly with anything, no matter the occasion. It's quite affluent to be able to use material things in ways that go beyond their primary function.
I'm seeing more and more evidence that 'affluent' uses of food really are less than healthy for us as human beings. Jesus speaks of how it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. He was not talking about food--but in looking at the patterns of affluence in our eating we can perhaps see some of what he was talking about.
What brings this to mind for me now is my uncle's eating habits--so contrary to most people's! He lives alone with his cat and he eats purely, completely, for nourishment. He's quite thin himself. He eats granola for breakfast at about six, has a single cheese sandwich at noon, and then eats a little something for dinner at six again; vegetables or rice or pasta, and not in great quantity. If wants a snack in the evening he'll have carrots, apples, or bananas. On Sundays he has what he called a 'hearty snack' at three in the afternoon--a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He does not eat to entertain himself, he doesn't graze, he doesn't eat when he's bored, he eats by himself so it's not a social occasion; he eats purely to nourish his body and for nothing else--and what struck me was the complete ease I had with staying raw in this environment. It's not that he doesn't enjoy his food... he obviously does. But things need not be in excess or for needs other than nourishment to be enjoyed.
And I could enjoy my food. Truly I think it is less than good for us that we eat for reasons other than the enjoyment of nourishing our bodies with the best things we can put into them, in the proper amounts, at proper times. I truly get more misery out of eating for the wrong reasons than I ever do in denying myself social or entertainment comforts in food.
People I try to explain this to fight it very hard--as do we all when our comforts are threatened or questioned--or they tell me I am extreme, or denying myself, or I am saying that one should never enjoy eating, which is not what I am saying at all. I am saying that naturally and truly, we enjoy eating for the right reasons, for the intended reasons for eating, than we enjoy it for the wrong ones. Do we enjoy the inevitable stomachaches, overweight, diarrhea, lethargy? Of course we don't, but we consider it a small price to pay for the sake of our solace. Interestingly enough, all of the people who vehemently deny my view on this have truly never tried it any other way than the way they are doing it now. They have been constantly surrounded with affluent models of relating to food and have never known or tried anything else. Perhaps they are not capable of breaking away (myself I know how extremely hard it is), or they would not choose to break away. But they are not bad for it. We all must make our own choices, and we are all responsible for those choices. It is fine to choose to eat affluently, and to take the illness and obesity. But if you do that, it is your choice, however influenced or conditioned by your environment. It is not your stupid body's fault for getting sick or fat. It is... well, it is... affluence of the mind.
In so many ways we deny responsibility for our choices... with prevalent phrases such as "I have to...", with ardent beliefs that things really cannot be any different, with judgments of right and wrong, good and bad, of 'shoulds' and 'musts', that leave us comfortably choiceless and thus not responsible for the consequences of our decisions--it's somebody else's fault, because there is no arguing with right and wrong.
Yet our very being rebels against this; human beings were not meant to be choiceless... in fact there is ultimately no way they can be choiceless. Is it any wonder that our psyches and bodies so resist a 'should'? Who likes being told what to do, whether by an external voice or an internal one? A being that intuitively recognizes that everything it does is its own free willed choice, no matter the pressures, certainly doesn't like being given NO choice...
current mood: thoughtful
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| Saturday, May 24th, 2008
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9:37 pm - Redwood
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Redwood, redwood.
Part of the reason I always want to disappear is that I feel so trapped in myself, trapped in my fear, my mind, my limitations, my misery.
My uncle drove me down to California today and we visited a redwood grove. I had the vague, nagging thought that I wanted to spend more time there, maybe hours or days. I climbed up the gigantic roots of fallen redwood trees, crawled into the caverns made by the roots, circled huge trees with soft and velvety bark...
On the drive down we had a riveting discussion about dinosaurs and birds, covering topics from genetic engineering, to our lack of understanding of creatures alien to us (like cockatoos), to human evolution (flowering, if you will), to politics, to outdated cultural paradigms. I continue to have riveting discussions, I articulate my visions and ideas perhaps as well as ever, but it all feels dead inside. Like ashes.
I want so badly to disappear, I feel so trapped. I've thus had to suddenly face myself; kasethen needs surgery on his finger and so he is going to stay in Bend until July (when we were originally going to go to Hawaii) and then join up with me out there. In my mind, I think it's a REALLY good idea because I've been needing more time to myself to heal up. Of course this involves facing my hate and fear of myself and what I've become. How do I get free of it? I don't know, and suddenly faced with it I was overcome with despair and wanted just to disappear. I didn't pine for his company or anything at all, I only felt sick, sick, terrified of being stuck in myself, with myself, by myself.
Earlier today he said on the phone to me that I sounded peaceful and perhaps the redwoods were good for me.
I randomly remembered that a few minutes ago and to my utmost relief I finally felt something besides an urgent hateful rational desire to cease existing. I felt ME, somewhere. Briefly. Enough to cry for a bit. I thought of the redwood trees. They did touch me somewhere, they did speak to me. I don't know what they said. But I knew with them I didn't have to be anything. Anything at ALL, including myself. It was a glimpse of freedom from the self-made prison I'm encased in. It was a glimpse of sheer beingness that I don't know how to describe because it's beyond words and beyond thoughts. And then I did pine (no pun intended), I so longed to be in that grove again, where I didn't have to be anything. Dealing with the dinosaur of our culture of 'shoulds', of control and subjugation, especially as presented to me in treatment from Erik and his family, I know that we all need, for our own survival, to spread our wings and rise above that, to evolve feathers if you will, to love, to move into a paradigm that will serve human freedom and empowerment, and not judgment and oppression. What is the difference between a horsetail and a daisy? Or the difference between a chunk of coal and a diamond? It's just that we're going somewhere, isn't it? Becoming something else?
Dinosaurs are cool, yeah. But even they were subject to the dictum EVOLVE OR DIE. And became birds. So must we.
I'm just afraid I shall be part of the remnant that can't evolve and thus will die... and I'm scared. Yeah, I am. That's all, really...
current mood:  distressed
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| Monday, May 5th, 2008
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3:59 pm
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Two and a half years ago when I came out west, I bought a book in Seattle called "How to Be A Dragon... Without Burning Your Tongue". I read it in Bellingham as something of a coping technique, having just left the convent. It's a story about a teenage girl who is struggling with being in a place she doesn't want to be, away from loved ones, and most importantly, away from herself. She was turning into a Dragon in the book.
Today I thought, how different is the experience of being an adolescent--when parents still care for you, when you still NEED them to care for you--from the experience of being a young adult, having learned to live in the world, manipulate it seamlessly in accordance with your developing self and desires, and take care of the boundaries of yourself and your needs. It's so different, and yet the underlying soul remains the same.
It takes far longer than I would've thought to retrieve the self the world tries to snatch away. I'm finding, just since last fall, all of the things I wandered away from or forgot that I held deeply as a teenager before I left home. I'm listening to the same music I was then--Adiemus, Enya, Enigma. I'm exploring the same deadly practical/mystical spiritual path. I'm finding myself mirrored in all the opinions and beliefs I held back then--in the days when I first had this livejournal, actually. I'm encountering the same lonely anguish at the vast expanse of eternity, and the same sense of purpose and of being trapped by the wounds and programming I carry.
I guess the one thing I never forgot was Misht Soloi.
And the one pattern that never changed was my possessing of a male companion of some sort. In ever more mystical fashions. What a hormonal Libra I was--sublimating my sexuality into these fantastical partnerships. I chased after someone 'out there'... if it wasn't a person (and oddly enough it usually wasn't), it was some idea of God, or a piece of myself related to as a masculine character. Yeah, Rossi is still around, and I'm almost resigned to that. He's been a blessing to me in the past two weeks. Perhaps it is the best way I know to become whole at this point.
But I'm doing it all myself... it's like I always did. The world threw me off track for a little while, and I've the wounds to show for it as my body still holds the pain and events, but I'm learning, I hope, to release them and embrace new realities, new possibilities. Oh, it's exciting.
Someone commented on my question post a few days ago... the person said their description of what was operating in the universe was not quite right because they were not yet entirely 'free'... oh, how I resonated with that. I feel like I'm brimming with trapped life force.
And through all of it, SHE, at least, remains... unscathed.
current mood: hopeful
current music: Enya - Carribbean Blue
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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9:01 pm - Back into Alignment
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Tonight I went to visit Pamela, my old energy healer/artist friend in Bellingham. We had a nice chat, about a number of different topics, but it was so much less the words spoken and so much more the grounding effect that being around her had on me. I look at my state as of now and I look at it a week ago--when I was having nightmares and other nasty happenings--and I'm amazed at the difference. I've had a few wonderful talks with kasethen where I was able (and allowed by him, which is not a dependable thing, and for which I am grateful) to feel and express my emotions... many of them regarding realizations about my own blindness of the past few months, and the factors which led to my illusionary thinking. In the face of a powerful soul connection I would tend to think it was stronger than human psychological issues and the effect that practical concerns can have on them. There was much I forgot.
And everything feels so PURE right now... like crystal clear water. I feel like so much dross--all that mess--has been cleaned right out. In the midst of this crystal purity that soul connection... the one I cried over, and knew was all I had ever sought with anyone in my life... that soul connection is still there. It is underneath and IN SPITE OF... the human issues, and I feel entirely capable of the right amount of control and forbearance that it may one day come to fruition and manifest in the human world too. I was surprised to discover, this evening, how pure and strong, powerful, my affection for Erik still is. Much stronger than when it was in the context of fears based around the parts of myself I lost or gave to him, and the context of a lot of cultural programming and power plays surrounding a romantic and sexual entanglement. It feels much like it did when we first knew each other, when our minds first touched and caught fire with vision, before all sorts of weirdness came in to obscure it. It is a connection or a feeling that is incredibly deep and wild and... strangely content to exist unexpressed and unperturbed for centuries. Deep, wild, quiet. Nothing I can even scratch the surface of... and nothing I want to. I understand very well now that so much of Erik isn't ready to blossom yet, and it was wrong of me to, seeing his potential, to try and force it. I want nothing more than to step quietly away and see him grow in his own world. And I can be happy with that. It filled me with such joy today, oddly enough, when he told me he was living off of his friends' meal plan passes. That he's being so provided for just makes me... happy. And I don't need anything else.
Misht Soloi even feels deeply content and at peace. Like she could perch atop her Mountain, uninvolved, and know him, and watch him, and love in her strange way, the way she loves me, only less involved--and every once in a great while, if I were to put an anthromorphic expression to it, I would see her wink at that other Dragon beyond time, the black one with the purple jewels of light. They share a kind of knowing that we alone are not privy to. And who knows where I would be? Somewhere else entirely maybe. Living my own life unentangled, stable, serene, creative, beautiful. Learning what lessons I am here to learn. Waiting... to go home. To her. To him. To you. To ALL of us.
I'm really looking forward to Hawai'i. :)
current mood: optimistic
current music: The Willow Song (from singing today)
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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11:01 am - This one's for YOU guys.
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This is for everyone, whoever you are and however you'd care to answer. :) My curiosity was sparked seeing ridayah's icon in his latest post, actually. So this one's for you guys... I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The other influence on this question was seeing questions in memes lately that said 'are you missing somebody right now?' When I thought about that question I realized that, as deeply as anything I can feel, I miss myself. My own self, my own soul. I lost myself so thoroughly in someone else that I was forced to realize that nothing means anything without the integrity of... me.
So here is the question...
What is your religious or spiritual affiliation--what practices, rituals, beliefs, forms of art, etc, inspire you on your 'path', if any? What do you consider your path to be? Where do you see yourself evolving to on your path--what do you imagine yourself becoming? How much is this tempered by your idea of what's 'possible'? Is there anything you particularly long for on what might be termed a 'spiritual' level?
Less lofty answers to those questions are invited and welcomed. If you want to have a nice job, get married and raise a family, or not, or be nothing exceptional, I want to hear that too. It's all part of the human path and the human heart, and THAT is what I'm interested in. :) I'm not interested in ivory castles (not solely), but in the twig and mud huts we build with our own hands.
current mood:  curious
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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11:16 am - Life streams in the moment you let it...
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I biked all over town early this morning, got a new battery for my clock, filled out re-hire paperwork at my old job (and I have a three-day live-in shift this weekend already!), went to the library, investigated yoga class options--Lindsay wants to take a yoga class with me--and yet every event is an event of my inner world. It burns and tumbles and cascades like a river finally released on its true course--a cascade of light-filled water that looks like a very familiar face--black scales and sky-blue wings. Why Life looks like her to me, I do not know, but it always does. She writhes and dances in her freedom and tosses my whole body along with it. I could feel like all the cooked food, all the fragmentation and anxiety and terror, has been tossed out of my system by the pure force of Life. She sings and love fills my heart so hard and full that I feel that I will burst. I feel this intense flow--it feels so good to be biking again, to be moving my body, to be out in the fresh air smelling of the ocean, feeling the wind in my hair--even every time I look in the mirror. This true woman that I am is kicking off her shackles and retrieving her energy back to herself from everything and everyone who took it. And her eyes are Misht Soloi's eyes...
My only wish would be that I could share this. But I'll be able to, soon...
current mood: joyful
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pissed off
